Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Victoria... I Know Your Secret And I Can Help

I am convinced the mailgrump sorts the bundle of mail in the following categories:
1.  Who needs a good kick in the teeth?
2. Who is a little too cocky today?
3. You just thought you had extra money this week...
4. It's a box- I have to deliver it.. it can be tracked...
5. AND last but not least- the coupons are mine- let them try to prove it

Yesterday, I guess I fell into categories 1 and 2.  After the scooter debacle, I decided to browse a Victoria Secret's catalog... I know... I know- I am a glutton.  As I flipped each glossy pages,  while eating some leftover homemade mac and cheese,  I felt a pity for the breathtakingly, beautiful models.  I am SOOOO growing as a person.. before, I would have used this magazine to clean the food trap under the sink...
I decided to look at them.. I mean really look at them... and in their eyes... there was .... not much....  No glimmer of life... only an airbrushed, out of this world, are you freakin' kidding me body on the pages.  So being the scientific genius that I am.. I came to this conclusion:  They are pod people.
They do not know that a human has to eat to survive.  They do not know that a biscuit and gravy will actually dance in your mouth and provide momentary happiness.  Sad-  isn't it?  So I have decided,  I am going to do the only hospitable thing I know to do... I am going to invite them over.   I am going to write them a letter, using only small words of course,  and offer up a trip of lifetime.  Forget Paris and Milan, we are going to the grocery store.

Dear Strangely, Beautiful People,
First let say- your secret is safe with me.  No one needs to know you are really pod people.  To keep this secret. I am afraid you will have to make a few changes to your faux lifestyle.  All creatures have learned in order to survive you MUST adapt.  Humans eat food.  Some humans eat lots of food...  You must learn to do this too.   Carrots and Water are great little snacks.. if your a bunny.  Just so we are clear, when I say bunny, I am referring to the cute, furry, four legged animal that likes to reproduce frequently.  I am not referring to the bunny you might be familiar with, that lives in a mansion with an old man.  However, I admit the similarities are astounding.  
I would like to open my southern front door and offer up chance of a lifetime.  I would like the opportunity to take you to a place that houses food.  Yes, such a place does exist.  We call them grocery stores.  They are amazing.  You can get any type of preprocessed morsel you desire. Food comes in boxes, bags, tubes and bottles. It is brilliant.
Please allow me the opportunity to corrupt your regimented lifestyle.  I am a professional "junk eater".. so you are in good hands.

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