Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Vigilante On The Loose

 It appears at first glance the crime wave is continuing.. BUT that is not the case..
Here is how it went down-
Remember the "criminal" and my crown jewel, the "pillow"...yep!  Well, I might have forgiven the criminal... but something inside me was just restless. There was a churning that I could not ignore.  Others had mentioned that they too had been a victim in this type of senseless crime.  I had to right all the wrongs out there. So I needed a plan.  I decided to contact a few known associates of the criminal aka my mom and the other aunt ( for the purposes of this story we will call her - GLENDA, the good aunt).  Glenda was extremely helpful, she had a spare key.  SCORE!  -  Now I needed to focus, work on my patience.... I had to get this right.  Glenda agreed to leave the key outside her house -hidden of course, in an envelope, under the mat by the backdoor... NOBODY WOULD THINK TO LOOK THERE- (giggle-poor Glenda).
This morning I woke up nervous.    It is V- Day-  no, not Valentines, Vigilante Day.    I got dressed as normal and drove the little guy to school.  It was very important not to differ from my normal schedule, I did not want to tip my hand.    I headed to Glenda's house and found the said "hidden spare key".  NOW, as luck would have it.... the criminal lives about 4 doors down.. I KNOW- Serendipity at its finest.   I made sure I stayed within the legal speed limit for that 3 seconds... no need for undue attention.   I parked as I normally would and hopped out.  I put on my gloves ( fingerprints- uh huh - I thought of everything), and placed the key into the door.. *** dramatic music inserted HERE****  and it opened.  Then bam... I disturbed Cricket, her yappy dog...( note to self- next break in bring dog treats as a precaution).. he knows me but something like this could have destroyed my mission...he was in his crate and he quickly settled down (whew)- Didn't need the nosy neighbors peeking in the windows.  I walked cat like to the bedroom... grabbed the bed pillows and panic struck... WHAT NOW? I am not the criminal here.. she is!    What do I do with them... I dropped the ransom note* on the bed and trotted to the door.  I threw the pillows in the back... hopped in my car (sweating-everything was in slow motion) ...I drove  (under the speed limit this time- for 6 seconds) to Glenda's house and tucked the key safely away under the mat (safe according to Innocent, Good, Aunt Glenda).  I drove away with my heart racing and thinking "I DID IT!  I got her pillows..".  I wish I was a fly on the wall tonight when she reads her ransom note*... but you can't have everything and I got her pillows, it is a much better deal.

( Drum roll please)
*  Said Ransom Note- The original is a typeset of cut letters from a magazine.. shame it would not show up

Action sets off reaction- we all must pay for our crimes. Your punishment-sleep without your favorite pillows. Sounds Easy? Oh NO! It's not... When a lesson has been learned, your pillows will be returned, unharmed- unlike MINE. I have no other demands... except maybe a starbucks frappe... that might be nice!
Sweet Dreams,
The Victim

** Yes- the picture is staged... there is NO way I would drive around Small Town, Alabama with a panty on my head-I would be in a cell, possibly padded at this time.  I just wish the picture had volume.. my kids' reaction was worth a million words.  (and of COURSE, I left the ransom note)
*** I am NOT totally heartless... the criminal has a spare bed... she can use those pillows for a night or TWO- just to get the "feel" for what it is like to sleep with "replacements".... ahem

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