Oh Silent Night....

Today's topic snoring-
I think we have all been exposed to someone attempting to suck the ceiling down from the support beams while in a restless slumber.  I also think it is also safe to say it is a miserable existence during the midnight hour for the "victim" of this unconscious crime.

Which brings me to my story...
Over the weekend I had prepared the "best sleeping" arrangements possible as I see it.  I washed all  of the blankets so they were all April Fresh compliments of Downey.  The room was chilled to perfection.  I grabbed my body pillow and wrapped around it.  I placed the "it will have to do" feather pillow under my head  *SEE Pillow  for further details on how my NEW PILLOW will never be anything but second rate- a special "thank you and shout out to the CRIMINAL"

The night started off grand.. silent and so cozy.   I drifted off in a peaceful slumber...

*cranks chainsaw here*... YEP- it appears at some point a lumberjack entered the room and he was busy at work sawing the trees down.   I laid there and took it for a while with great patience- as the minutes ticked away.. I began to sigh loudly.  No response.  I flipped harshly back and forth attempting to hide my ears in the second rate pillow.  No good.   I jerked the covers in hopes it would jar the perpetrator.  Nothing.  I hit the bed with my "little hobbit hands" as the husband LOVINGLY calls them, ahem on the bed.  No dice.  I knew my mind was going to a dangerous, dark place as I cocked back my leg and prepared to kick the plum stew out of him.  Something stopped me... call it a "feeling" but I sat up and then it hit me.
Could it be?  NO WAY-  HOW ON EARTH IS THAT POSSIBLE?   It was the blankty, blank 10 pound dog sucking all the oxygen out of the room.  That is the only explanation- you know, LACK of oxygen- because I was about to become  the judge and jury on the big guy and send down the punishment.  He was innocent.

Good news tho, I got over my guilt quickly enough.. HOW DARE HIM BE ABLE TO SLEEP THROUGH THIS NIGHTMARE!

Vigilante On The Loose

 It appears at first glance the crime wave is continuing.. BUT that is not the case..
Here is how it went down-
Remember the "criminal" and my crown jewel, the "pillow"...yep!  Well, I might have forgiven the criminal... but something inside me was just restless. There was a churning that I could not ignore.  Others had mentioned that they too had been a victim in this type of senseless crime.  I had to right all the wrongs out there. So I needed a plan.  I decided to contact a few known associates of the criminal aka my mom and the other aunt ( for the purposes of this story we will call her - GLENDA, the good aunt).  Glenda was extremely helpful, she had a spare key.  SCORE!  -  Now I needed to focus, work on my patience.... I had to get this right.  Glenda agreed to leave the key outside her house -hidden of course, in an envelope, under the mat by the backdoor... NOBODY WOULD THINK TO LOOK THERE- (giggle-poor Glenda).
This morning I woke up nervous.    It is V- Day-  no, not Valentines, Vigilante Day.    I got dressed as normal and drove the little guy to school.  It was very important not to differ from my normal schedule, I did not want to tip my hand.    I headed to Glenda's house and found the said "hidden spare key".  NOW, as luck would have it.... the criminal lives about 4 doors down.. I KNOW- Serendipity at its finest.   I made sure I stayed within the legal speed limit for that 3 seconds... no need for undue attention.   I parked as I normally would and hopped out.  I put on my gloves ( fingerprints- uh huh - I thought of everything), and placed the key into the door.. *** dramatic music inserted HERE****  and it opened.  Then bam... I disturbed Cricket, her yappy dog...( note to self- next break in bring dog treats as a precaution).. he knows me but something like this could have destroyed my mission...he was in his crate and he quickly settled down (whew)- Didn't need the nosy neighbors peeking in the windows.  I walked cat like to the bedroom... grabbed the bed pillows and panic struck... WHAT NOW? I am not the criminal here.. she is!    What do I do with them... I dropped the ransom note* on the bed and trotted to the door.  I threw the pillows in the back... hopped in my car (sweating-everything was in slow motion) ...I drove  (under the speed limit this time- for 6 seconds) to Glenda's house and tucked the key safely away under the mat (safe according to Innocent, Good, Aunt Glenda).  I drove away with my heart racing and thinking "I DID IT!  I got her pillows..".  I wish I was a fly on the wall tonight when she reads her ransom note*... but you can't have everything and I got her pillows, it is a much better deal.

( Drum roll please)
*  Said Ransom Note- The original is a typeset of cut letters from a magazine.. shame it would not show up

Criminal,
Action sets off reaction- we all must pay for our crimes. Your punishment-sleep without your favorite pillows. Sounds Easy? Oh NO! It's not... When a lesson has been learned, your pillows will be returned, unharmed- unlike MINE. I have no other demands... except maybe a starbucks frappe... that might be nice!
Sweet Dreams,
The Victim


** Yes- the picture is staged... there is NO way I would drive around Small Town, Alabama with a panty on my head-I would be in a cell, possibly padded at this time.  I just wish the picture had volume.. my kids' reaction was worth a million words.  (and of COURSE, I left the ransom note)
*** I am NOT totally heartless... the criminal has a spare bed... she can use those pillows for a night or TWO- just to get the "feel" for what it is like to sleep with "replacements".... ahem