My Smut Radar Went Off When I Watched Hee Haw

 Reality TV is pretty much on all channels at one point or another... and I will bashfully admit I am drawn to a couple that fall into the "smut" TV category.   Now "smut" reality is different from the "GREAT" reality shows and there are a few of them out there.. naming one "The Biggest Catch".  That show is fantastic.  I have been following the captains for years now.  It deserves a post of its own....so that said, I will continue on with my "smut" thoughts.
At night, when the kiddos are in bed it is not unheard of to catch me watching The Housewives of so and so (insert whatever city here) or Jerserylicious... (blue eye shadow has indeed made a come back up north and it brought its friend aquanet).  If you want to find out just how dull your life is and be grateful for it... tune into to watch one of these little jewels.  Have Mercy!  Anyways, one night I was watching Sarah Palin whack the plumb fool out of some halibut and a commercial came on for "Bama Belles"- this sent my "smut" radar off. (Note to self- I must watch this show!)
The grand premier was Sunday night... and I feel the need to give you a punch list of the highlights - for it held up to my "smut" expectations...
Here ya go...
1. The pack of gals are located in South Alabama.
2 .All packs have an alpha - it took me all of 10 seconds to figure out who she was- Amie ** I feel the need to insert a little commentary at this point** In my opinion, I am pretty sure she has single handedly destroyed the image of a "southern lady"...  which brings me to number 3 on our list-
3. Cow Sugar-   One of the first scenes is Amie and another pack member Jana... she is showing Jana the fine art of letting a cow (pause inserted here to show disgust) ahem... YES, a cow take a cracker out of your mouth. (MORE commentary here- NOW I have lived in the Great state of Alabama my entire life- I have never nor do I intend on letting a cow take food out of my mouth.  "Cow Sugar" is not normal.  I am sure, as with all animals- if the COW could reach its rear end it would lick it like other animals **just something to think about**  This is not a normal "Belle" activity- just so everyone understands").
4. Spraying a Yankee with Deer Pee- ok, that was a little funny
5. One Pack members boat business is not a float  (sorry for the pun)so she tried for a  promotion in sales for bladder pacemakers... never heard of it, probably needed.  I am really sorry- she did not get the job...(shakes head in confusion)
6. Mother In Law From Hell Comes For a Visit- self explanatory as far as I am concerned.
7. Cowboys and Indians Party for a GROWN man- main course- Jello Shooters
8. Yankee has her eye on a cowboy hottie -  Harlequin Romance had a hand in this scene
9. Biker, Dakata is back from somewhere and she does not like the Yankee girl- (saw that coming)
10. Yankee girl actually thinks all southern or Alabama people live in shacks, she refers to us as "country" (some harsh truth to that after she has been exposed to the "Belles")
Did you watch it?  Did I leave anything out?   I think it is safe to say, that about sums it up- as you can see, this is edge of your seat entertainment.  It is the new HeeHaw.  I will be tuning in again because who doesn't like a little "smut" with their sweet tea and "COW SUGAR".
BYE YA'LL

Any Ideas?

Yes- that is me... saying "HMMMMM"! (some how the new "green bulbs" don't give the same effect)


I have never been one that was big on "surprises"... I know, that is terrible.  Maybe it is because I am a Capricorn - they say this "sign" likes to "posses authority and be in control".  IF you put stock in the stars this could factor into my inability to appreciate anticipation.  The husband knows this... and he loves this time of year to dangle the "clues" and watch me act like a cat chasing a flashlight.  So painful.  Now this is not a new trait I have developed, I have been this way my entire life.  I was the nosy kid looking in the far corners of closets to get a glimpse on the goods.  I have even been known to wait until my mom left for work - go under the tree- unwrap a present.... PUT it on and WEAR IT to school.  Then, come home, take it off- rewrap carefully and place it back to its original spot under the tree before she got home from work.  Classic- me!  One year, I found a bottle of perfume about a month before Christmas and took the bottle out of the original box- spritzed it everyday until school was out for the holidays... and placed it back where I found it.  Freakin' Houdini- no one knew.  Before I had children, no one was able to have surprises ( if I knew about it) because I could not take the fact THEY DIDN'T KNOW.- I would drop hints as subtle as bricks upside the heads to the intended party.  As a result, no one told me anything once they knew I was a blabber mouth- BUT I found things in my scavenger hunts... pitiful.  Now that I have kids, I understand the element of surprise and how much fun it is to "give" surprises... My lips are sealed and I will not give up the secrets..  AS long as it does not involve "me".

Why did I stroll down memory lane with you?  Well, last night the husband called all "giddy" about his purchase for yours truly.   He was ubber excited and soon came the hints.  Here is what I have to work with- and I gotta tell ya- this year I can't pinpoint it.  I need your help!  Ready?

1. It has to come thru customs to get here

2. It is coming from the Europe area ( WTH?)

3. It is larger than a paper towel roll ( I know- why did ask that?- what is wrong with the breadbox analogy?)

4. It comes with a guarantee I will love it.

5. Several people involved

6. Freshwater fish and it is NOT an aquarium..

Seriously- WHAT IS IT?  I know he is all proud of himself... he loves to pull one over on me.  Now keep in mind while you are figuring this out- I am not the only prankster in this family... it is quite possible that some of these hints are obscure enough that they "could" teeter on "false statements".  I have no way of knowing this.  So let's review- here is what we know OR What we think we know..

It is not in the United States, I will like it, it is a modest size, it's fishy and it took a village ( less the idiot- I live here) to send it this way...

OK friends.. I am waiting on your ideas!

Sleep

So the topic today is "sleep".  Let's face it... it is important.  Allow me to share my journey into my restless, vegetated state of mind.
As a teenager- I could sleep.  I had no idea what a luxury I was experiencing every weekend.  NO IDEA.  Time passed and I "grew" up.  As a childless adult, I could sleep.  Again, no idea what a luxury I had.  Fast forward ten years and I am introduced to "motherhood".  Mackenzie was a good sleeper for the most part unless she was sick.  Mackenzie stayed sick the 1st year and 1/2 of her life (see the problem)... so I learned "how to sleep" sitting up in a rocker.  As a single, working parent that lived 100 miles away from the closest relative, I became a "living zombie".  I coped but it wasn't easy.   When Mackenzie turned two, I had tubes put in her ears... and WHAM- a miracle happened- we actually began sleeping the entire night.  What a glorious, majestic occurrence.  This time around I did NOT take it for granted.  I got up with the chickens but I slept the entire nights.  I can give up "sleeping in" for that to happen.  Harmony (the angels sing)!  Time passed and I became pregnant.  For those of you who have never been pregnant I can tell you this- you are tired the first few months and exhausted the last ones... the joke here is you can not sleep because you have morphed into a human blimp... not an overweight blimp that gives when you lay on it... but a rock hard blimp.  No tummy sleeping... I like tummy sleeping.. So months eight and nine...I encountered the very little sleep mode again.
February rolled around in 2007 and Walker arrived.  Walker had colic.  I am not sure how to explain this but it made my time with Mackenzie when we lived in Huntsville seem like a walk in the park, on a lovely sunny day, with the birds chirping and flowers in bloom.  SIGH!  My baby boy did not sleep for more than 30 minutes (DAY OR NIGHT) at a time.  It was a situation, I would not wish on anyone- pause inserted here- not even Obama.   (mmhmmm- it was terrible)  I turned to antidepressants to keep me grounded and from running away.  I watched for a "turning point" but it did not happen.. he turned one- and the sleep pattern was established.  He turned two- and he still got up several times a night.  When he finally turned three he would get up once a night-  MANAGEBLE!  Now my little darling sleeps all night, most nights.  But I can't.  My immediate response is "What in the sam hill is going on" (Thank you Scout, I love this southern phrase)?  What a cruel joke.  I got up and took care of my kids for years...I should have earned the right to be able to sleep an entire night.  Alas, that is not the case.  I have returned to my vegetated state.  I have nothing against vegetables-  I love me some peas and carrots.  However, Vegetables eventually rot... and there is the bad news my friends.  Just sayin'

Oh Lawd...

You see that?  Yep, it's a small, red, velvet bow that belongs on the tip of the family Christmas tree.  Seems innocent enough, don't ya think?  UNLESS IT MAKES ITS WAY INTO THE MAGIC BOX WITH THE DIRTY LAUNDRY....(breathing hard) AND GETS WASHED...(heart palpitations)..AND TURNS EVERYTHING PINK!  Lawd have mercy-
 So I asked my children if they knew how something like this could happen and do you know what they said?   ahem....(shocker here- brace yourself) They blamed my two "invisible" children "I don't know" and "not me"... When I looked over my glasses at the oldest one (my perturbed look), she said "It could be Elvis the Elf".... well sure, what was I thinking?.. it was the magic ELF that does not arrive until December 1st.  Let's go ahead and blame him... *** not her smartest move if you ask me since he is a direct pipeline to the ol' Jolly one***  (rolls eyes)
So, in conclusion.. I have no answers, I am irritated at my (clears throat) ELF, and the husband has a  drawer full of pink underwear.  Bad ELF!

It's A Gift

This is the time of year I like to pay special attention to teaching my children "the act of giving".  If you have a little, you should give a little.  If you have a lot, you should give a lot.  Simple rule of thumb.  This year,my crew will be giving a few toys to a local church for a family in our area. We are making gift bags for elderly shut-ins and sending personal items to Jimmy Hale/Jesse's place.  I have a large stockpile of toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, lotions, anything a person could need really- that I never pay more than a few cents for after coupons... This is the time to put all that effort to good use.

NOW- do not get me wrong, I am NO saint and to prove that point allow me to share a conversation I had with myself a few days ago:

For this to be the hap-happiest time of the year...everyone sure is pushy or in a hurry.  Now, as a rule I have zero patience for tailgaters...they tick me off.  I get a mild case of road rage.  In hurry buddy? "Should have left a little earlier" is my line of thinking.
So I was toodlin' down the road (going the speed limit or like 2 OVER- ahuh.. I was flying) and I felt the presence of an unwanted visitor  (pause inserted here for dramatic effect) IN MY TRUNK!  Since the kids were not with me, and it was a two way street, I decided to push my luck and slow down... yep- way DOWN  (that'll teach em').   I like living on the edge and during this day & age I was playing my own little game of Russian roulette.  As I poked on down the road (in complete control of the situation & unnaturally satisfied with the current outcome), I noticed I had backed up traffic.  Seems a lot of people were out and about enjoying the cool breeze and sunshine.  Then it became growingly apparent that I was the only one that did not have an appointment or a hard core agenda to address... hmmmm.  I mean, I have important stuff to do.  I am a mom.  This house just doesn't stock itself with food.  I also need my therapy... albeit retail therapy... but therapy none the less.. and that is really important and I have limited time to work this in without children.  (sighing)..... Let me ask you this... Have you ever been the victim of a horn attack?  ok- Victim is harsh word... but my house of cards I strategically built to stop the tailgater had turned ugly... it wasn't HIM honking.. it was someone behind HIM.***commentary in my head "What a bunch of Grumps!  Are you honking at me?  Oh NO, you didn't!  If I have to pull this car over and knock you upside the head with my coupon binder, bet you won't be honking that blanking horn again! and so on and so on".***
So in the spirit of giving... I am presenting a gift to ALL of the TAILGATERS and HONKERS out there.. (drumroll- please)
 IT IS A"SIT AND SPIN"....(raspberry inserted here)

Junk Mail Into Treasure Maps

As most of you know, I am NOT a fan of the mail grump.  He takes my coupons and he leaves the junk mail.  Everyday, we get some sort of buy this, try that and you could be the next big winner junk papers.  So today after Walker and I collected the "mail"... we sat down and took turns browsing our new garbage.  I rolled one of them up and instantly we became PIRATES.  Sure did!  We had a treasure map of sorts... and we each had a telescope stick thingy to look for sharks, other pirates... and storms that could be brewing in the far west. The best part of the deal was we could keep saying "Ahoy Matey"... about a hundred times - over and over and over again!  We came up with names.. He was Pirate "Walker"- WHAT?  He is three, cut him a little slack... and I was Pirate "Mommyhook" ( I'll take credit for that one- giggle). We played and we played.  I asked him what we were going to find when we located the treasure, could it be gold?... and his response was "treasure".  It occurred to me he has no idea what treasure is.. it's just something he has heard on TV via Dora.  No problem... we will just look for "treasure"... after all, treasure is in the eyes of the beholder much like beauty.  My "treasure" would be an empty clothes hamper and a new, shiny, large capacity, colorful crockpot from JCPennys (just incase the husband needs another reminder for my birthday). ahem...well, to each her own (crickets chirping- not impressed with my wish list I see).   
So todays lesson is simple... one most of us forget... Imagination is the best toy you can give your kiddos... Now if I could just imagine this house clean..... ( thinking hard- and squinting)- ah- I got nothing!

It's A Scientific Conclusion...

Walker is the most stubborn child in the world.  He will drive you absolutely insane trying to reason with him when he has his mind made up.  Most days, I pick my battles.  Today- not in the mood.  I am the mom and I said so should be sufficient.  I will not argue about fast forwarding a commercial that is "real" time.  I will not debate on whether or not Darth Vader is a bad guy or a good guy.  I will not discuss the speed limit with the back seat driver.  It is this type of dialogue that continues in this house - day in and day out.   It will wear you down.  Now don't get me wrong, Mackenzie has her own stubborn streak.. but Walker's is ground breaking and enough to make you bite your nails to the nubs or bang your head into the wall.  So I got to thinking... WHY IS HE SUCH A MULE?  Since inquiring minds want to know.. I did some research.  In order to make a mule... you need a horse ( a young filly) -blushing...AHEM.... and a Jackass...  WELL, there you have it!  There is my answer.